Nature Calls
by Cyberwolf 10
Summary: The family go freakin' camping for the night. Guest appearences from Terminator, Pinhead, The giant fighting chicken and more!


Cyberwolf10 presents Family Guy in…

NATURE CALLS

The Griffins are watching a program on TV. It is Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol as produced by James Cameron and although it is summer and slightly out of season, it is rather good.

After belting out the solo of Foxy Lady, Bob 'Jacob' Marley tells Scrooge that 'The Ghost of Christmas Future' will visit him soon. A blue orb becomes visible and in the midst of it appears Arnold Schwarzenegger's Terminator.

"Ebenezer Scrooge…come with me if you want to live." Says the robot with his thick Austrian accent.

Scrooge pulls out a shotgun and pumps lead into the metallic herald of the future.

"That gives me an idea." Says Lois.

Cue the theme song from Family Guy….

"It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a Family Guy.

Lucky there's a man, who, positively can do all the things that make us…

…Laugh and cry.

He's a Family Guy."

Cut to an establishing shot of the Griffin house…

Quagmire knocks at the door. A few seconds later, no one has answered and so he knocks again. Inside the house no one is home, not a talking dog with an appetite for booze or a megalomaniac 1-year-old with aspirations for world domination. Quagmire goes next door to the Swanson's and soon finds the handsome cripple watching golf.

"Hey Joe? Where's Peter disappeared?"

"He and the family have gone roughing it for the weekend."

"The only ''roughing it'' I usually do on the weekend is when one of my girls want it doggy style. Oh!"

"Hey guys." Says Cleveland, "what's all the hubbub?"

"Peter's gone away _without_ his drinking buddies!"

"This is a travesty!" Says Cleveland. "Where have they gone? Maybe we can surprise them with a visit?"

"Uh, they've gone to a place called Coupler Acres."

"Cool, then let's head them off at the pass. Giggity, giggity."

Cut to the Griffin's car…

"Don't say you don't wanna go, Peter. I know a small part of you wants to go."

"That's a lie, Lois. There is no small part of me. In case you haven't noticed…I'm huge!"

"Well then, a big part of you wants to go and we should all go." Says Lois, exasperated.

"Touché, Lois. All right then I'll come on this camping trip. But I won't enjoy it!"

"Fine Peter," says Lois with a sly grin on her face, "because we're already at the campsite."

The car pulls in to Coupler Acres Camping Ground.

"Lois, you _drove_?" asks Peter, "You know women aren't allowed to drive."

Lois shoots Peter a hateful look.

"_What_? I didn't make the rules up, Lois. It's one of the Eleven Commandments God himself handed down to Moses."

"You mean _Ten _Commandments."

Cut to Moses reading out the Commandments to a crowd of people.

"Commandment number X: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors' wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbors." Shouts Moses. The crowd cheers.

"Cheer! Cheer! Moses! Moses!"

"Commandment number XI: The fairer sex shall not be permitted to drive." Shouts Moses. The female half of the crowd boo and hiss.

"What, I didn't make up the rules, God did."

From up on a cloud, God wearily shakes his head, "Damn, I knew I should have gone with 'Thou shalt treat all as equals'. I wonder if this'll get into the bible somehow."

Upon arrival at the campsite the Griffins find that someone has set up camp in their reserved area.

"Those bastards," mutters Peter to himself.

"Let's just find another place to camp, Peter."

"I tell ya, Lois. The Griffins are NOT going to put up with this, just like my great Scottish forefather, William Wallace-Griffin didn't put up with the English invading Scottish land."

Cut to a guy who looks like Peter but has long brown hair and blue and white face make-up ala _Braveheart_. William Wallace-Griffin stands atop a hillside with a hundred Scottish men and watches the English running wildly towards him with steely nerves.

"Hold," shouts William to his men.

Sweat drips down the next man's face.

"Hold," Shouts William, sterner than before.

William gets a determined look in his eyes.

"NOW!" Shouts William.

William turns around and starts mooning the English.

"What the hell's he doing?" asks one of his fellow Scots.

"I dunno, let's git oot of 'ere." answers another Scot.

The Scottish army all run away leaving William Wallace-Griffin alone with a bare ass.

"Oh look at me," says William mockingly, "I'm an Englishman and… OW MY ASS!" screams William as he is shot in his enormous ass with an English arrow.

Peter walks over to the plot and knocks on the tent.

"Uh, Peter…it's a tent. Knocking doesn't work." Says Brian matter-of-factly.

"Oh." Says Peter before turning and ringing the doorbell. Out of the tent pop the heads of a young couple. "Yeah? What do you want?" asks the guy

"I just came by to see the guy brave enough to pitch his tent on haunted Indian burial ground."

"WHAT!?" says the guy, a little scared.

"Ricky, is it true?"

"Yeah," says Peter, "the last couple who stayed here ending getting split up…"

The couple have a look of horror upon their faces.

"…Split up the middle by a mad, homicidal, tomahawk-wielding, hook-handed, mutant-zombie Indian."

The couple scream, pack up their tent in record time and run off.

"Problem solved." Says Peter as he turns back to his family, smiling. The family have a mortified look upon their faces, except Chris, who is too dumb.

"What?" says Peter, "You guys didn't believe that phony-ass story, did you?"

The Griffins have soon forgotten about Peter's antics and have set up the tent.

"Ah, I must say," says Stewie to himself, "the fresh air does agree with me. Perhaps I'll refrain from trying to kill Lois for the duration of this trip."

Lois picks up Stewie.

"Ah, Lois…I was just saying that…"

Stewie is interrupted when Lois smothers his face in some sunscreen. "There you go, Stewie. This cream is SPF 90 so the sun wont burn your skin and it's also insect repellent so bugs won't bite your cute little face either."

"Mother?" asks Stewie, "Come closer."

Lois comes closer. Stewie suddenly slaps his mother.

"I had decided not to try to dispatch you but this overwhelming display of matriarchal insipidness is intolerable! In other words, Lois, I _will_ kill you."

Chris turns to Meg with a worried look upon his face.

"I hope the evil monkey that lives in my closet doesn't mess with my stuff while we're away."

"Chris, you dumb-ass. There's no such thing."

"Oh yeah, well how come I keep finding banana peels in my clothes and monkey poop in all my shoes?"

Meg shrugs and wanders off, bored. Chris opens up his backpack and the evil monkey bursts out. The evil monkey pulls an evil looking grimace and points at Chris. Chris runs away scared. The evil monkey reaches into the backpack, pulls out some sunscreen and lavishes it upon his skin.

"Ah," he says to himself as he jumps up a near tree and relaxes.

Lois digs deep into her backpack and pulls out a video camera.

"Who wants to make home movies?"

"Oh, me-me-me-me-me!" exclaims Peter excitedly.

Lois turns the camera on Peter.

"My name is Peter Griffin and this is my audition tape for America's Got Talent. Ok, Ready?"

Lois gives Peter the thumbs up. Peter breaks into song. He starts miming a guitar and badly singing the notes for 'God gave rock and roll to you' by Kiss.

"Do you know what you want? You don't know for sure, you don't feel right, you can't find the cure, and you're getting less than what you're looking for. God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll for everyone."

Peter stops singing.

"And if that don't work, then who the fk are some c-list celebrity judges who never made it big themselves to tell me that _I'm_ no good."

Lois turns the video camera on Stewie.

"Stewie, honey, do something cute for the camera."

"I say, it's just like that time that I went into movies," says Stewie to Brian. "I couldn't get any roles over here but I did get a bit-part in a Japanese film called Ringu."

Flashback to a scene in Ringu. Some random guy is staring wide-eyed at a TV screen. Stewie appears on the screen dressed in a torn white dress and wearing a long black wig ala Sadako. Stewie crawls towards the screen and begins to come out of the TV when he stumbles and falls out of the TV and onto the floor. "Blast!" he cries, annoyed. He tries to stand up but is tangled up in the dress and the wig, which has fallen off, and he falls over again. "Damn-it-all to hell!" he exclaims. The guy gives him a funny look but says nothing.

"You know, I honestly couldn't give a crap." Says Brian to Stewie.

"Come on Chris," says Peter to his son. "I'm gonna show you the hunting and gathering skills that man is famous for."

"Wow, dad. You mean…"

"That's right, son. We're gonna phone in for pizza."

Chris looks disappointed when Peter pulls out a cell phone and dials the number for the local takeaway pizza place. All of a sudden a magpie comes from out of the sky and snatches the cell phone from Peter's hand.

"What the?! Son-of-a-bitch! Hey 'Tweety-Pie' gimme back my phone."

The magpie happily caws at Peter from up a tree.

"Pal, you just made an enemy of Peter Griffin; the man with the golden gun."

"Dad, you traded your golden gun for that cell phone; remember?"

"Oh, right. Then, Chris; there's no option for it… we're gonna have to catch and kill our food like real wilderness men."

"Oh goody. I'm gonna be Ray Mears."

Peter eyes the magpie with narrow eyes.

Lois and Meg go off into the wood to find some kindling to start a campfire later. They gather a couple of armloads of sticks and branches when they encounter the elf Legolas from the Lord of the Rings. Meg immediately falls in love with him.

"Frodo, my diminutive friend," says the ancient blonde to Meg; "at last I've found you."

"Who's Frodo? My name is Meg Griffin."

"You mean you're not the ring-bearer, Frodo? But, you _look_ like a hobbit."

Meg starts crying and runs off. Legolas eyes Lois up and down.

"Hmmm," says Legolas, "tell me, pretty thing. You're really beautiful. Do you have any elf in you?"

"No."

"Would you like to?"

Lois pretends to be flattered and walks up to Legolas and judo flips him over her head.

"Hi-ya." Cries Lois

Brian is sipping a martini in his hammock when Stewie walks over to him.

"You know, dog, now that Lois and the fat man have left me in your charge, we could get up to some mischief. What say we throw a sexy party for all our fellow campers."

"Oh, let me think…no!"

"Oh come on. Be reasonable."

"Hmmm…still no!"

"If Lois were here, she'd let me have a sexy party." whines Stewie.

"No she wouldn't."

"Blast! Damn you dog! But I won't let that discourage me. Here I have a present for you."

Stewie tosses Brian the puzzle box from the Hellraiser films.

"What the?!"

Chains explode from the box and bind Brian but do not harm him. Pinhead appears with a range of cenobite demons.

"I will tear your soul apart, oh, hi Stewie." Says Pinhead

"What the hell is going on?" asks Brian

"What do you know of hell? I will take you to hell and show you such wonders."

"Fine…will there be a bar?"

"So-long dog."

Stewie slips Pinhead $50.

"Have him back by 5pm."

"Ok."

Chris and Peter have gathered a random assortment of twigs, bits of lace, used bubble-gum and a single paper clip.

"Dad, how are we gonna make hunting gear out of all this stuff. It's crap."

"Don't you use that word! I hate that word! 'Stuff' indeed."

"Sorry sir."

"Anyway, the A-team seemed to manage it every episode. All we have to do is think like them and we'll soon have this mess turned into a tank or something like that!"

"But how do we think like them?" asks Chris

"We dress like them!"

30 minutes later…

Chris is dressed like Mr. T's character B. A. Barracas. Complete with blacked up skin, Mohawk and a multitude of bling. While Peter is cunningly dressed in all black except for a red line going down both of his sides.

"Dad, I know, I'm B. A. but…"

"Say it…"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes you have to, just say it."

"I pity the fool, sucka." Says Chris rather lethargically.

"Now you may ask a question."

"Dad, I know, I'm B. A. but who from the A-team are you supposed to be?"

"I'm the A-team's unsung 5th character. The A-team's van."

"Cool, dad. Now what?"

"Now, son we summon years of TV knowledge and blend it with the creativity only us Griffins have."

Peter starts singing the theme song to the A-team.

A montage of building and hard graft is shown.

Another 30 minutes later…

"Ah, I love it when a plan comes together." Says Peter.

"But dad, all you've made is a mess."

"Don't spoil my fantasy, Chris."

Another, another 30 minutes later…

"See, Chris; with a little elbow grease and some luck. We Griffins can put our minds to anything."

Peter has made a poorly constructed bow and arrow using the bent stick, a shoelace and some bubble-gun. The arrow is a misshapen paper clip.

"Now let's get some food!"

Lois and Meg are heading back to camp, when Meg gets the urge to have a crap.

"Mom," says Meg in her most annoying voice, "I need a number 2. What do I do?"

"Meg, honey. This is the wilderness, you have to do your business out in the open just like the animals do."

"Ewww, that's gross."

"I have some toilet paper in my backpack. Just find a spot an' go already."

Meg grabs the toilet paper and goes behind a bush to poop. Just then a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses turn up.

"Excuse us, little one. But have you ever thought about Jesus?"

"Why do you guys always turn up when someone's on the toilet?"

"That's when someone is most susceptible to our powers."

"MOM!"

"Just pretend that your not in, Meg. That always gets them."

Meg ignores the two Jehovah's Witnesses and continues to crap.

"Joshua, what _is_ she doing?"

"I dunno, Samuel. Let's get out of here!"

They run away scared.

Meg finishes her business and wipes her ass.

Stewie is dress like a mini ninja. Stalking through the woods, he jumps up into a tree. His cell phone rings.

"Damn-it! Hello? Who is this?"

"Neo, I'm reading several agents on your six."

"I'm afraid you've got the wrong number. This is Stewart Griffin not '_Neo'_ or whomever."

Stewie hangs up when agents from the Matrix movies jump out at him. Stewie is quick and pulls out a laser blaster, dispatching an agent in one clean shot.

"Mr. Anderson, come with us now."

"I'm not Mr. bloody Anderson."

Stewie sends another agent to his doom with quick shots to the head. Only one more agent remains. Stewie leaps up into the air and time seems to freeze for a moment before defrosting and allowing Stewie to kick the final agent out of the tree.

"Yeah, so fk you."

Stewie spots his real goal, Lois. She is with Meg. He swings out of the tree on a rope.

"Lois-must-die!" he screams as he plummets through the air at break-neck speed.

Lois turns to look at what is going on and Stewie misses her, overshoots, falls from the rope and lands in Meg's number 2.

"Ewww, gross."

Peter and Chris return with the fruit of their combined labors in scavenging food. They have in total: two unidentifiable flat corpses that may just, in a former lifetime, have been squirrels.

"Dad, what do you suppose is on TV right now?"

"I dunno Chris, but boy I bet it'd be good whatever it was."

Cut to a TV screen back in Quahog. The news with Diane Simmons and Tom Tucker is on. As usual they are bickering like a pair of school children.

"Coming up next, Diane's temperature as I introduce her to my good friend, the poison known as anthrax."

"Now, now Tom. You don't want the whole world thinking you're the new Saddam Hussein."

"Gee, maybe your right, Diane. You know, Diane…I've been meaning to tell you how I really feel for sometime now."

"Yes, Tom?"

They get closer and look like they are about to kiss when Tom pulls out an air horn and blasts Diane in the ear with it.

"I hate you, you egregious bitch!"

Back in the campsite…

It is about 5pm and Cleveland, Joe and Quagmire turn up. Pinhead turned up about five minutes ago with Brian.

"So, 'dog'," asks Stewie, "what is hell like? Is it all fire and brimstone like the bible promises?"

"Nope, it's a giant bar with no liquor. My version of hell."

By now, Peter and Chris have washed off their A-Team guises and the family is tucking into some of the food that Joe and co brought with them. Peter is helping himself to a leg of BBQ chicken when he hears a rustling in the near-by bushes.

"Buck, buck, buck-ah!" 

He hears just before Peter's worst enemy, the giant chicken leaps at him with a knife. The family plus Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire scatter. The chicken is atop Peter quickly but Peter forces the chicken's knife hand into the campfire, scorching it and forcing the chicken to let go of the knife. Peter smiles but the chicken punches him, pow, right in the kisser! They trade blows for a few minutes, moving through the forest. Peter picks up a branch and whacks the chicken across the head with it. The chicken sees stars for a moment but shakes his head and also grabs a branch. They fight like Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker at the end of The Empire Strikes Back. Neither shows signs of fatigue. 'Crash' sounds the wooden branches as they collide again and again. Suddenly, without knowing, the pair of enemies have wandered out of the woods and onto a road! A car comes careening up the road and slams into the pair. They shatter the windshield and continue to fight inside the car! 'Bash', Peter connects with a right hook but the chicken comes at him with his beak! The car skids off the road and hits a tree, bursting into flames and killing the driver but Peter and the chicken are virtually unharmed. They fall over each other, punching, kicking, pecking and biting as they tumble for many minutes. Off a cliff they fall, down into a river where they plunge under the surface. Everything goes slow motion as they struggle to move in the heavy water. It is like watching old computer boxing as they take turns to punch each other. Peter clocks the chicken in the eye, bruising it. Peter and the chicken are now bleeding in various places and are battered and bruised. They are still fighting as they head over a waterfall! Down they plummet as they continue to fight. Punch after punch is thrown. They crash through the roof of a huge boat at the end of the waterfall and into what looks like a game room. Peter surveys the room and sees that he is on the left side (the blue side) of a game of Rock-um Sock-um robots. The chicken is on the right side (the red side) of the robots. Peter and the chicken lunge at the controls for the robots and the mini plastic automatons start to punch each other in random succession. The red robot goes for the crucial uppercut that will knock the blue robot's head off but Peter gets there first. The blue robot knocks the red one's head clean off and then Peter picks up the toy, smashes the chicken over the head with it and then he and the chicken continue the fight. A kick to the chicken's groin puts him on his knees but a swift bite from the chicken's beak to Peter's knee disables the heavy-set Irishman for a moment. Peter makes several sucking sounds through his teeth.

"Thhh, thhh, thhh, thhh, thhh, thhh."

The chicken grabs a metal bar and begins to wail on Peter. Peter grabs the metal bar and breaks the chicken's leg with it. Peter gets to his feet and he begins to wail on the chicken with renewed strength.

"Take that, an' that, an' that!"

The chicken lies still and blood pours from his head. Peter drops the metal bar and kicks the chicken in the nuts.

"Take that you bastard."

Peter walks away huffing and puffing but with a smile on his face. Unseen by Peter, the chicken screws up a fist and shakes it silently after Peter.

Peter gets back to the campsite and continues to eat his BBQ chicken but perhaps with a certain sense of satisfaction. Chris is doodling away on a sketchpad. Meg is on a cell phone to a friend (?), prattling on about how cute Chris Martin of Coldplay is; but also how crap he is in general. Lois spies someone behind nearby bushes when a glimmer of silver catches her eye.

"Be calm everybody but I think that we're being watched."

"I hope it's not the Blair Witch!" says Chris.

Joe pulls out a gun and rolls over to the bush only to find David Schwimmer from TV's Friends (and other things).

"Oh hi, guys." He says in his nasally voice.

"Mr. Schwimmer, what are you doing here?"

"I'm trying to find a career after Fox finished off 'Friends'. I thought I could get a spin-off just like Matt Le Blanc did in 'Joey'. "

Cut to Hollywood and Matt Le Blanc is standing at street corner with a 'will work for food' sign. A car pulls up to him and the driver (Bruce Willis) pulls down the window.

"Hey, Matt, what're you up to these days?"

"Oh, I'm playing Joey in…'I'll suck you for money'."

"What?"

"Yeah, things aren't so good at the moment and I'll take your seed in my mouth for a guest spot in your next project."

"Gee, Matt, I guess you've come upon hard times, eh?"

"I'll let you cum upon me for a bit-part."

"Let's do this thing."

Back to the Campsite & soon it is twilight. The boys are up still, drinking while Lois and the kids have retired for the evening.

"Ah, this is it boys. The witching hour, when day becomes night, Bruce Banner becomes the Incredible Hulk Hogan and some lucky redneck is screwing his daughter. I love this life." Says Peter.

"What the hell are you talking about, Peter?" asks Quagmire.

"I have no idea, my friend. I'm quite drunk."

Time passes and it is time for bed. It begins to rain. Peter is restless because of a bird he can hear outside. He takes a shoe and with an expert shot, hits the bird out of the tree that he was in. The bird is only stunned but drops a watch from out of his beak. Peter holds his hand out and catches the watch. With expert movement only rarely seen in mortals, Peter does the watch up and smiles.

"Take that, ya freakin' beaked bastard. I told ya that I'd get ya."

Peter sleeps easy for the rest of the night.


End file.
